Cutty: – Tonight show ChairUp! with our host, MC Jee Chang
Chang: – and, of course, our ghost-host Cutty Sark!
Chang: – Now we are welcome two noble guests – Ms. Taaaanathine Tonks, leader of W-gothic-rock group “The Syrens”! – (Cheers and applause)
Cutty: – Voice of the Year by SPEW Review polls, Golden Witch of South Devonshire, Ms. Iphigenia Warbeck! (Applause, cheers, whistling)
Chang: – As all our fans know, today we`ll watch over a battle on the Flying Chairs, and only your magic will give enough Levitation Charm to keep Flying Chairs in the air – in both meanings!
Battle will be over if one of chairs reaches the ceiling or touches the floor.
Cutty: – Today we`ll got not only brilliant singing battle, but also a lot of debates, contests and even some magical exercises that will be made by our competitors! But – the prize is worthy of such efforts – it is a contract on Corporate Christmas Eve in the HQ of MalfoyStanley Financial Group, the most aristocratic company in the wizard world!
Chang: – Yeah! (Applause, whistles) Their unofficial motto is “Unlike Umbridgewater“, so I expect it will be more than just decent honorarium for tonight’s winner! (Applause) Ok, let`s do it together…
Both hosts: Nooooow – it`s show time! (Applause)
Chang: – This show is promising to be straight-out, intransigent and real hardcore – not least because of the sponsors! The main sponsor of Syren`s World Tour ‘Enslavement’ is The Durmstrang Wand Corporation and it’s new program of trade-in for wands. Bring your old wand and get the newest model with COLOSSAL discount! (Applause)
Cutty: – The constant sponsor of Ms. Warbeck is Borgin Laboratories – iWand is all you need from the wand! (Applause, cheers, whistling, roars!)
Chang: – So, Cutty, let`s start our first stage – Breakaway!
Cutty: – By the sortition, the first sing exercise will be fulfilled by Ms. Tonks! (Applause) Today we have prepared a little surprise – it will be a duets! It’s an honor for us to introduce the famous goblin sinnnnnger Gorbuch! (Applause, roars, roars, ROARS!)
Together they will perform an aria (cheers, laughing) from the W-opera “Last Loved Witch” by famous combiner Willy Vincento! (Applause)
Tonight – as ever – we are accompanied by Wizard Chaotic Orchestra and it`s leader, Doctor Liet Kynes! (Applause, cheers)
Gorbuch: – You were mine gold-mine
Tonks: – Why was it me?
Gorbuch: – You blowned all my mind!
Tonks: – I had to be!
Gorbuch: – Your eyes are Lumos of my heart!
Tonks: – I want to fire-love more than hot!
Both: – We`ll got the chance to meet each other!
And love`ll Confringo all another! (Applause, laughing, roars)
Chang (laughing): – So, all audience members at our studio and our public from W-ideo channels got a lot of new emotions, with absolutely unusual performance by mostly unsuitable for such music singers – harsh low voice of Tonks and high yelps of Gorbuch (laughing)… (Applause, yaks, roars)
Cutty: – And now we should gather Levitation Charms for Ms. Tonks` Chair! If you want – repeat after me – Wingaaaardium Leviosa! (counter clicking) Ok, time is over – and … we can see, that Chair of Ms. Tonks goes up for the one feet! (Applause) Thank to all of you! The greatest gratitude to Gorbuch! (Applause)
Chang: – Stay tuned, it`s the only one short advertisement!
Commercial voice: – Silicon gel Rust Deletrius – long life for your cauldron! Only GG5.99!
Chang: – Oh, I`m still under impression (laughing)… (Applause)
Ok, now I`m happy to announce the first singing exercise of Ms. Warbeck! She`ll perform a duet wiiiith… chorus of Ravenclaw House of Hogwarts! (Applause, roars, cheers)
We prepare to hear “Song of Lost Toad” by unknown author, but everybody gets used to put Neville Longbottom to this honoured place – so, let the performance begin! (Applause, cheers) Maestro…
Warbeck: – Oh, where is my toad? What happens with it?
Chorus: – Under your cauldron as ever!
Warbeck: – There is no shit on it`s favorite seat!
Chorus: – Keep not feed it and you`ll have it never!
Warbeck: – I have a bad feeling, I fear of that cat!
Oh, Trevor, my toad, you all my heart geeeet!
Chorus: – Oh, please, dear, don`t bury it yeeeet! (Applause, roars, cheers. )
Cutty: – I cried out all my sark! (laughing) (Applause, laughter) It was a real magic – especially from chorus side, sorry, just joke – and look, what Iphy can do with her brilliant voice!
Chang: – So, I start to collect your Levitation Charms for lovely Iphy – Wingardium Leviooooooosa! (counter clicking) and – let`s give our best thanks to Ravenclaw Chorus! (Applause, whistling, roars)
Chang: – Well, time is over, let me measure – one feet two inches up! (Applause)
Cutty: – Again, I should find a handkerchief to remove some tears – but you`ll have the only one short ad at this moment!
Commercial voice: – When your gold simply rest in your vault, it slenderizes! Push it to pump muscles! Weasley Gold Investment – your gold will be strong and fat! 7.5% average interest rate through 5 last years!
Chang: – Now we have come to our second stage – Debates. Please, Round Table, fly to your place! (Applause)
Cutty: – Ok, we have twelve seats around – two for us, two for nice-looking Tanathine and lovely Iphy, two for experts and three for supporters of each sides, brave enough to get a risk to be thrown out of chair! (Applause)
Chang: – We will give to our competitors one theme, and their supporters will answer with three sentences. Experts will decide, if they don’t accept sentence, they throw one of supporters out of chair! That supporter, who will remain sitting, will add half of feet to his star chair! (Applause) Let`s begin – stars introduce their supporters! Ms. Warbeck, your move! (Applause)
Iphigenia: – My first supporter is my old friend Mr. Zacharias Smith, the owner of robe-sewing factory near the Faringdon! His factory provides robes for all wizards and witches of Oxfordshire! (Applause)
My second supporter is Madame Helena Fournier, Professor of Numerology at L’académie de magie Beauxbâtons! (Applause) And my third supporter is Mr. Theodorius Brickwood, Vice-Head of Department of Mysteries at Ministry of Magic! (Applause, roars).
Cutty: – We are all impressed with such important persons, came to support a singer at popular show. But – usually we’re never surprised, when pop-stars support politics at election, as if they could really understand political processes… (Roars) So, let`s move on –
Chang: – Ms. Tonks, please, you may introduce your supporters! (Applause)
Tanathine: – Well, everybody should know my first supporter – Commander of Werewolf-Hunters Squad for Scotland, Mr. John “Silverblade” Montgomery! (Applause, roars). The second one, but not by meaning, is Professor of Astronomy at Hogwarts, the first wizard on the Mars, Dr. Dexter Occasium! (Applause). And – the modest of all – Albus Severus Potter! (Roars, applause, whistles).
Chang: – Wooooooow! 🙂 Tonight our experts could be in doubts about themselves! (Laughter). Still they are enough brave to accept that challenge, aren`t they? Yes, nobody escapes! (Laughter) So I can introduce them – the first one is a new Chief Lady of Wizengamot, Mrs. Millicent Bullstrode! (Silence, tiny applauses) And the second one is the famous hi-mag inventor Mr. Dave Borgin himself! (Great applause, roars).
Both hosts: – Let the debates begin! (Horn plays).
Chang: – The first challenge will be given to Mrs. Warbeck. Tonight our theme is – what kind of support should receive Ministry of Magic from wizards and witches of Great Britain to solve “guest wizards` problem”? No, no, Iphigenia, you shouldn`t answer – your first supporter, Mr. Smith, please…
Mr. Smith: – Well, I`m thinking about to keep clean our lands from all artifacts that can be used as Portkeys.
Mrs. Bullstrode: It`s impossible – too much work for so limited staff of Ministry.
Mr. Borgin: But we can develop special indicators…
Mrs. Bullstrode: When it`ll be ready, please, bring us the first dozen of it! (Laughter) Throw him off!
Cutty: – Sorry, Mr. Smith, you`re thrown off! (Chair turns upside down, old Zacharias drops on the pillows below, roars in studio). Second tryout – Madame Fournier! (Applause)
M-me Fournier: – I can’t see any problem if wizards may be allowed to visit another country as a guests. Vice versa, it`s a time for charity and hospitality, especially for poor wizards, who had only one robe… (Roars, whistles at studio).
Both experts: – Throw her off!
Chang: – Pardonne-moi, Madame Fournier! (Chair turns upside down, she didn`t drop but glide down with some elegance). Applause for such a graceful lady! (Applause)
Cutty: – Iphy, your last hope, Mr. Brickwood!
Mr. Brickwood: – I think… (he secretly whispers answer firstly to Mrs. Bullstrode, than to Mr. Borgin. Experts did some quiet conversation, and Mrs. Bullstrode announce decision)
Mrs. Bullstrode: – With regard to national security reasons, we will not open this answer, but we give to Mrs. Warbeck half-feet reward! (Borgin nodded). (Some chaotic applause, whispers, roars).
Chang: – So, we`d never met such circumstances before, but… rules of our show are inviolable! Mrs. Warbeck, you`ll get your reward! (Applause, whistles).
Cutty: – Now, Tanathine, is time for your supporters to make their moves! (Applause) Mr. Montgomery, if you please…
Mr. Montgomery: – Ministry should not use WWH Squads for it. We will not hunt on human beings! (Roars in studio, whistles, applause)
Mrs. Bullstrode: – Is that all your help? Throw him off!
Cutty: – John, you`ll have our solidarity, but… (Chair turns upside down, Mr. Montgomery jumps down on his feet and leaves the studio). Next move – Dr. Occasium!
Dr. Occasium: – I`m absolutely sure, that solution of this problem is not on the Earth! We should open new space for dwelling – there, between the stars! And our new A-Brooms, for 56 passengers, could help us! (Applause, roars)
Chang: – Please, Dr. Dexter, could you clarify your answer? Do you propose to local wizards escape from Earth or it means that we should send “guest wizards” out of planet?
Dr. Occasium: – Errr…, I mean, that we should do it altogether…
Mrs. Bullstrode: – Enough. We`ll consider you proposition, Dr. Dexter, you have your half-feet reward!
Cutty: – Nicely done, Dr. Dexter! (Applause) Albus, please, don`t turn us into unicorns (laughter), just give a hint – what`s your idea?
Mr. Potter: – Ministry should accommodate legal migrants, don`t mess me with euphemisms, and integrate them into society inside our laws. Without any exception. We can help by accepting migrants as equals to us. But illegal migration should be prohibited and prevented with all Aurors of Department of Magical Law Enforcement. And all wizards can help with magic. Undoubtedly.
Mrs. Bullstrode: – Do you propose to convene the militia? To establish local patrols on the sample of Snatchers?
Mr. Potter: – I didn`t propose this…
Mrs. Bullstrode: – Ok, thank you, Mr. Potter, we`ll use your proposition. You got half-feet reward! (Applause, whistles).
Mr. Potter: – But I didn`t mean it…
Chang: Thanks to all partakers, the second stage is over! For this moment Mrs. Tonks is eight inches above Ms. Warbeck! Applause and, as usual, one more little advertisement! (Applause, roars).
Commercial voice: – Do you need best Healers at work? Please, donate St. Mungo! Feel free to send gold directly from vault to vault without visiting Gringotts! No taxes for this kind of transfer! Our vault number is 1313! Call Gringotts right now! Take out monthly subscription for GG5 and get our green hat free!
Cutty: – So, we have reached the final stage – Measures! Our competitors will use their magic and their voices to keep the Runespoor calm and quiet. Everybody knows, that Runespoor is highly intelligent and extremely dangerous creature, so we have here Auror`s squad – just in case.
Chang: – The first challenge is to Ms. Warbeck, please. For security reasons we should keep silence, so…
Both hosts: Silencio Studio! (Instant silence)
Iphigenia sings lullaby song:
Please, hear, my baby, my voice through the dream,
It`s streaming like moonlight, like diffused beam,
The branch of the linden is leafy and green –
Sleep, sleep well!
You should be obeying and you`ll be reward –
I`ll keep your repose as safe as my heart,
Don`t make any noises, don`t sneeze and don`t fart –
Sleep, sleep well!
Runespoor meditatively chews his right head with middle, but keeps quiet and calm.
Studio applauds, but without any sounds.
Cutty (whispers): – Tanathine, dear, please, be careful!
Abruptly loud rock music starts playing, Tanathine starts shouting Syren`s hit “Obey me!”:
Your move and breath are only mine!
If you’re alive – I will decide!
Keep quiet, slave, not even start –
Shut up! Shut up!
Your foot and hand, your tongue and heart
Without me will not make craft!
I will decline all trash and stuff –
Shut up! Shut up!
Runespoor is shocked and stops even move. But after it starts to roar and tries to crush it`s cage. Aurors start shooting spells, smoke arise all over the studio, roars and chaotic yelps. After a couple of minutes, Aurors got enough luck to shut off the Runespoor, cage is removed from studio.
Chang: – It was unforgettable experience, that’s all I can say…
Cutty: – Let`s know what our audience members think about it – let`s collect Levitation Charm for our competitors!
(counter clicking) – The final time is over!
Chang: – Astoundingly, but finally we have a draw! Ms. Warbeck gets ten inches additionally but Ms. Tonks only two!
Cutty: – It`s a big surprise! (Great applause) So, what can we do? Just to wish MalfoyStanley staff DOUBLE ENJOY at Christmas Eve, and our show is over!
Both hosts: – See you again next month!